FRA-GEE-LAY. It’s Italian!
Fra-gee-lay…Don’t you love that movie, A Christmas Story! It’s become a family tradition for us. And it’s how life looks to me right now.
Fragile… Have you ever felt that way? Where a funny look brings tears to your eyes, or a sarcastic comment makes you leave the room? People tiptoe around you, unsure if you’ll snap or cry at any moment.
Fragile. Yes, I’m in that season. But wait…I’m the one who always has it together. I’m the strong one. Keep a stiff upper lip. Don’t let them see you sweat—or cry. No one sees me cry. I’m always wearing my game face. Aren’t I the expert in executive leadership? What message am I sending if I’m a mess?
Are you comfortable being vulnerable? I’m not. It’s always been tough for me to be vulnerable with my team or my family. But isn’t leadership about keeping it all together? Being strong in adversity? That’s true, but I’ve learned that servant leadership includes knowing when it’s okay to be vulnerable.
Our team members want to know what’s happening. They want to be valuable and help during a crisis. But employees also look to the leader for strength in those times. So, where’s the balance? How do you show vulnerability and strength at the same time? (This is such a good topic – too much for a blog…we’ll add a series to the Grace & Salt Leadership Academy program.)
Balance. I used to think about work/life balance for new parents with small children. The hustle and bustle of running between one sporting game to another. The dilemma of “Who’s going to the elementary school play?” or the guilt of “Am I going to miss another kid’s event because I’m travelling?”. Watching the joy run out of your child’s face when you tell them you can’t attend their event. It’s tough. Balance? Not even close. The word balance implies 50/50 split and there is absolutely no way that ever happens. 30/70 or 60/40 – sure but never 50/50.
Ooey, Gooey, Cheesy, Lemony Goodness
Now that I’m into my almost-twilight years, the work/life balance has a different connotation. It’s what they call the “Sandwich Generation”. Just like a sandwich with two slices of bread and the goodness on the inside, my generation is between our kids/grandkids and our aging parents with all the goodness in between.
I’m taking a big risk here because my Mom may read this and I don’t want her to feel an ounce of guilt. But, I think it’s an important topic. Perhaps, you’re in this chapter too and can relate. We struggled to find the right balance when the kids were young. Eventually, things settled down and we had a few years of equilibrium. We traveled guilt-free, not having to cut trips short or choose between family and career.
Then, our parents reached an age where they needed help. We jumped at the chance to take them to appointments, surgeries, and lunches. We wanted to spend every hour we could with them, knowing that time is limited—for them and for us. But now, the challenge of balance has returned.
Stress. Fragile. Life. Between launching Grace & Salt Leadership Academy, family obligations, and deciding how much to share with my colleagues, stress shows up in different ways. For me, it’s tears and shutting down. And when I’m ready, working through it with my best friend.
A friend stopped me the other day when I tried to put a silver lining on my stress. He said, “Melissa, you have to process the stress. If you keep pushing it away, it comes back. The challenge is—how long do you stay there?” In the Esther Project program, I talk about “fake it till you make it” and how positive thoughts create positive neural pathways. And I believe that. But I don’t often talk about what to do when you’re not ready for those positive thoughts just yet…
I’m not sure where this message finds you today, but if you find yourself in a stressful and fragile chapter of your life, try one of these coping strategies:
1. Find ‘your’ person – This is the one person in your life who allows you to sit in the “suck” with you. They let you cry as hard and as long as you want. The silver lining comments don’t show up until you bring them up. Do you have someone like this? If not, find one. Tell your spouse or best friend how you want them to show up. Share will them that you just want to cry, vent, yell, whisper, be silent. And you’ll be there as long as you want to. It may be uncomfortable but it’s necessary.
2. Take a walk and cry – Everyone needs a good cry. It’s exhausting but it can help. Go someplace quiet where you can be alone. Leave your phone at home. Look around. Pay attention to the trees, grass, children playing. If it’s cold, focus on the cold air touching your cheek and how your breath feels as you breathe in and out. Focusing on something bigger than yourself can bring a new perspective.
3. If you’re a person of faith, pray. Go to church. Spend time with God.
Honestly, I was on the “edge” last week. Ready to quit and go back into corporate life. And then, I went for a walk and cried most of the way through my neighborhood. As I climbed the last hill, I asked God if I should quit. Maybe this isn’t what I should be doing. Maybe I’ve given it all I have and I tried. God didn’t answer. He didn’t even acknowledge that I was talking. I heard nothing.
The next day, still emotional with tears rolling down my face, I drove to church alone. Arriving late so I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew, I slipped into the dark sanctuary looking for a seat. My pastor sees me and works his way over to say hello. I tried to nonchalantly wipe tears away hoping he wouldn’t say something. We briefly chatted and he left to begin his message. During his message about Abraham and Sarah, he said “Maybe you’re thinking of quitting. Maybe that’s what you decided this morning. Don’t. Even though God isn’t speaking to you, it doesn’t mean he isn’t working. Keep pushing on.”
It’s crazy how God sends messages. So… I pulled myself up, walked out of the building with a new confidence that the Esther Project is my purpose.
And I will keep pushing through helping one woman and company at a time.
If you’re curious about the Esther Project, go to www.graceandsaltleadership.com to learn more or send an email to hello@graceandsaltleadership.com
P.S. What your favorite scene from A Christmas Story? And Why?
